Monday, May 4, 2009

Things are Good, ok, Good

I was worried about attending my friend Michelle's benefit on Saturday. Without beta blockers (my anxiety meds) I truly was afraid of some kind of meltdown. I was worried about seeing my frail friend but after being at the event for just about 5 minutes I felt someone come from behind and give me a huge hug. It was a real hug too, not just a "put your arms around you and pat them on the shoulder hug." It was Michelle and it was good to see her. There are very few things I hate in this world. Cancer is at the top of my hate list. I know I said I wouldn't use this word but I have to say it .... FUCK YOU cancer. And how dare you do this to my friend. That's all I will say because the benefit was successful and the mood was very upbeat and positive.

It was nice to see so many people. To talk to Ken and MJ, Barbara and Jeff. There was a lot of small talk but some people I got to catch up on things. Dennis was there and I'm complaining to him about my weight and he tells me that I look better with a couple extra pounds on. I was looking a little tired and my eyes were sinking in my head (I think that's what he said) - Now he tells me :)

There are 2 things that I just can't seem to surrender to and one of them is the weight. About 2 weeks ago I couldn't sleep. I got on the scale at 2 in the morning and what does it read - I'm about to publicly say this - 127.8 pounds! Yup, the last time I weighed that much I was about 4 months pregnant, with twins. I completely freaked out. Which is hard to do quietly because I have a sleeping husband and children upstairs. While in my jammies I jumped on my bike and rode the trainer for 2 hours - like the 2 hour ride was going to just dissolve away the weight. Then did about 20 minutes of yoga. Then tried to sleep. About half way thru the next morning I had this extremely settling thought - was I going to make myself miserable for the rest of my life if I had to stay 127.8 pounds? It was a weird, comforting thought. Well, I didn't surrender to it. Instead I truthfully assessed my diet and made some changes. Like no bread or pasta for a while and no candy. For real no candy. I picked up all the left over Easter candy in the house and opened it and then threw it away. If I didn't open it and just threw it out I would definitely go fishing for it. Yes, I said it. That's how addicted I am to candy.

I'm feeling better about the weight thing now. It's hard though. It's hard not having a long run to fall back on to help you lose an extra pound or 2 - or in my case 10. And I must admit. I am one to skip a meal just to help me feel thin. Well, I can't do that right now. Had to eat to have the meds work properly and certainly couldn't go for the long run. I hoping I will continue my healthy eating habits and not fall back into the nasty ways that I used as a crutch.

I told Caroline the story about getting on the bike at 2 a.m. and she was laughing and said, "now that would be a good picture to use for the club year end video!" Yeah, I can see it now - UGH! :) I told her I'm gonna get so big, I'm gonna be the fat one on the news. They'll have to knock down a wall to get me out of my house and I'll be holding my IMOO medal crying at the camera - "but I'm an Ironman, this can't be happening." All right all of the hard core Ironman readers - I know I'm just a Wisconsin Ironman. I'll be to fat to say all that without feeling winded.

Thursday is the day. "A" day. Ablation day. I'll write about how it goes. Let's hope the radiologist gets a good night sleep. I'm ready to get this done and over with.


The (IRON) Clyde said...

Wishing you all the best Pam, hang in there!!!

RunBubbaRun said...

You know once they out that stuff inside you, you can use as glow stick at IMKY during the run.

You will get back to your "bad ass" self soon enough. I'm sure about that.

Best wishes to thursday, and getting over this "F@$@$King thing okay :)