Near Death of a ......

I can't sleep. I'm using this post as my therapy. So, as dramatic as I write this, it's how I'm feeling. I'm putting my husband in the middle because I believe that's my way of sneaking the cause of my insomnia into the post. So, I'm actually avoiding but putting it out there all at the same time.



Near Death of a Stay at Home Mom



Since having the kids I have not wanted to go back to work. Thankfully Scott and I have been blessed with being able to save and make our bills on his salary. But when we found out he needed his hip replaced sooner than later we both felt it would be wise for me to find something.

Some how, just like a snap of a finger, I found a job. Life isn't supposed to be that easy but it was. Now, don't misunderstand me. It's not like I went skipping down the street picking daisies I was so happy I had a job. I was grateful but not happy cause my life was changing. And I don't do change very well. But surprisingly. I handled it. Scott only felt my wrath, anger, immaturity, childish stomping up the steps, for a couple of days.

I was able to start working gradually. Yes, you are reading this correctly. Gradually. Short days at 1st. 4 hours, then home in time to get the kids from school. After the surgery when Scott was home, I started working full time. Oh, and while Scott was in the hospital both times, I was off, with him, 24 7. Please don't think for a second that I don't know how good I have it. Cause I do know. It was still difficult for me to let go of a life that I loved so much. But change is good. No matter how much I hate it.


Near Death of ......


I can't write his name. I don't want to but like I said at the beginning of this post, I'm not sleeping. And as light as I'm trying to keep this post what happened those during the 24 hours on March 1st and the next couple of days, well, I think it's affecting me now.


I found Scott in the front room early March 1st. He was leaning on his cane, gasping for air. I knew what it was. I also knew that time was not longer my friend. All I could think about was getting him to the hospital. And when I asked him if he wanted to go and he responded yes, well, I moved as quickly as I could.


My sister came and to watch the kids. This is so hard to write. It was dark out. We got to the hospital and no one was there. Scott walked in, registered, walked to the waiting area, was called right away, walked to his bay in the ER. All this walking. I didn't like it. When the ER nurse, who by the way turned into Scott's angel, started taking his history, her face completely changed the minute she found out about the hip surgery. Everything stopped. The "nice nurse" went out and the "Houston we have a problem nurse" checked in.

After a chest x-ray was taken the ER doc came in and got right in Scott's face to tell him he had several blood clots in his lungs and that he was very sick. He went on to tell him that his doctor had been paged to find out what needed to be done next. WHAT! Ok, someone still needs to explain this to me ..... what the hell was that doc waiting for?

At this point I paced. Then I called Scott's mom. I didn't want to but what could have happened to Scott, well, she needed to be there. Then I paced some more. I walked from one end of Scott's bay to the other. The alarms on his monitors wouldn't shut up. His blood pressure was playing pinball. One minute up then down then up, up, up then way down. The beeping was starting to drive me insane.

The angel nurse finally came and gave Scott some pain medication. I think it worked the second it went into his IV. The medicine was working but I felt helpless, useless and any other word you can think of to describe what you feel when you can't help the one you love most. Ok, God forgive me but I think at one point I did go to his side and say "see, I told you this would happen - see - you should have gone to see the doctor as soon as this started 2 days ago". But Scott didn't hear me. Why I thought saying that would make me feel better I don't know. Cause it didn't. I still felt helpless.

Shortly after Scott's mom arrived, with his niece, Scott was moved to a room. His pain meds were starting to wear off and we no longer had his angel with us. There was shift change at the hospital. If any nurse is reading this, completely respect your profession but the run around I got trying to get him some more pain meds was unexcuseable behavior. I understand paper work needs to be done and nobody wants to have to fill out a couple more pieces of paper when they are leaving BUT don't blow people off. Don't tell a family member someone is coming when no one is. Don't say so and so is taking care of it when so and so said you would take care of it.

The Scott's doc finally came in around 5 hours after we got to the hospital. His doc is a no holds barred kind of, tell it like it is, no time for bedside manner, doc. Which is why Scott respects him. We were sitting at the end of the bed and he walks to Scott immediately and adjusts the position of the bed. Then he starts talking about what is happening. He just blurts out that this could have killed him and as long as there is no blood clot in the leg, which he didn't think there was, then he was going to be fine. I looked at Scott's mom. Then I looked at the doc and thought "you fucking idiot. That's your patient's mother. Did you hear what you just said? What the hell is the matter with you?" I will never forget the look on her face. She sat silent for a long time after that. She just sat. It was almost as painful seeing her sit than it was seeing Scott laying there.

Scott's mom left when they took Scott for the doppler of his legs. Things looked like they were going to be fine. The doppler did show he had a clot in the left calf. It was small though and the drugs should break it up.

I didn't want to leave that night. The nurse came in and told me I could stay but she said I would probably be better off going home. They had my number and would call me if anything changed.

I cried on the way to my car.

The kids slept with me. I didn't tell them how sick their dad was. After all, the doc told me he was going to get better now. For some reason I set my alarm. 5:30, it goes off to John Mayer's Heart Break Warfare. That song can sound so haunting. It is still very hard for me to listen to.

I stopped setting my alarm after that. I still don't set it.

I wake up without an alarm. I don't sleep past 4:30 but I won't get out of bed until 5. I think I can stop writing about this now.

Near Death of a Triathlete ....

After the Graves disease I thought I was done with running and triathlons. The heart rate thing took a long time to get under control. Eventually it did get under control. Then the psychological irrational heart rate started. I signed on for the Palos half and was so excited and so ready to do it. The morning of the race the HR average was 108. I wasn't even running yet. The average during the run 177, my maximum during the race didn't even register, it was that high. Some say 177 - heck that's my average. Well, for a 9:30 minute mile pace 177 average, for me that S U C K S! It wasn't like that when I trained. It was the fact I was in a race that was making it go crazy. I couldn't run like this. I was going to give myself a heart attack for no other reason than I was overly excited about running in a race again.

Dennis talked me into doing a triathlon at the beginning of June. I was hesitant but decided to try and see what happened. I wasn't swimming because I had no time, because of work but I was getting in some running and some bike time.

The HR stayed in check until I got the water to start. Then, it went crazy. My friend Kristin was dancing and singing and preparing for the swim and I stood there with my hands folded at my chest, praying.

The start was a disaster. All I could think was what the hell was I doing here. Again, time was not my friend. I picked my head up from the water and found a kayak. I was going to swim to the kayak, quit, get out the water, throw my wetsuit away and never ever try to race again. Yes, DRAMA. Just getting to the kayak was difficult. Then, that damn kayak moved while I was trying to swim to it. Thankfully, during that time, I was able to find a rhythm. The drama left and the desire to quit faded, slowly, as slowly as it took to finish the swim. But I did finish the swim.

Saw Kristin in bike transition. She could have gone but for some reason she didn't. She waited for me. Then she stayed with me the entire ride. She was so ready to just blow away from me There were times she would pull ahead, about a 1/2 block but then she would wait for me. While riding she was cheering athletes on as we passed them. So I joined her cheering.

Strangely I started having a good time. I stopped trying to race so I stopped beating myself up, I was now participating and enjoying it. My desire to quit was like a memory from years ago. The run was dare I say it ..... fun :). We managed to trot out about 9:30 min. miles and finished together.

I will forever be grateful to Kristin for sharing that day with me. She didn't have to but she did. My heart rate was beautiful. It averaged 154 bpm. The trick to returning to triathlons and running events - participate, don't race.

Fragile

Life is ....

I can't believe how quickly things can change.

Saturday I was worrying about our budget. Actually I wasn't worrying. I was feeling confident that we were on the right track and things were going to be fine.

Sunday I was worrying about what to cook for dinner for the week. Was I repeating Ham Mac n Cheese to close to each other? Did it matter casue the family loves it and it's quick and easy to cook.

Monday morning I learned what real worry was.

Scott was in the ER. His blood pressure was off the charts low, which is far from normal for him. The pain he was having in his left side was uncontrollable.

I knew what was happening and I feared the abosolute worst. I know the ER nurse did too. She repeatedly came into the room and told Scott not to move. "You have to try to be as still as possible".

After a CT scan it was confirmed that Scott had blood clots in his right upper lobe of his lung and left lower lobe. Dopplers on his legs showed he also had a clot in his left calf.

Helpless is a horrible feeling. Helpless can slow the minutes on a clock down to days. It can destroy the positive spirit in a blink. Helpless wanted to become my new best friend but I have deemed it my new enemy.

Helpless woke me up around 3:30 Tuesday morning. I got out of bed and sent emails to friends and then posted a message on FB asking for prayers. Some how I found comfort by doing this. I was able to pass my helpless feeling to all of you for just a short time and slept for and hour and half after I did this.

The kids are doing and being good. They miss there dad.

We are planning for Scott to come home this Monday. He will be on blood thinners for at least 6 months.

The Train is Leaving the Station but I Won't Be On It

Times are a change'n.

I hate change.

Well, most of the time.

I left the work force 7 years ago after my kids were born. 7 years almost to the day I left I started working again.

The hubby is having hip surgery and will be off of work for a while. We have a nestegg but it would be absolutely ridiculous to spend all of it if we didn't have too.

So, hi ho, hi ho, it's off to a part time temp job I go. A job that is very flexible and one that I'm enjoying.

On another note. There is more change a brew'n.

Tri club. New Tri club. Which is a good thing. The folks in the southern burbs of Chicago have been wanting a club with precise direction for a while now, like 5 years, for a while now. "Now" has come.

I was flattered when I was told that I was nominated for the "secretary" role in the club (that I did tell the president I would be interested in). But had to turn the offer down. There is to much going on right now and the attention that the club deserves isn't something I can give it. Right now, things are going to do nothing but get better for the Tri-Smart club.

But part of me feels like my tri-mates are getting on a train and I am watching them ride away. I keep telling myself I'll drive to the destination and meet up with them. I hope so.

I'm tired. All this change. The kids look like they get bigger every other week. I'm getting older. So, things have changed. Again.

And one more thing. It was nice to see you at the track Keri. You look good.

2009

B - bye.

Good Riddance.

Adios.

Smell ya later.

Ok, it wasn't that bad.

I would like to write about what I learned and how much stronger I am from it but - crap - I'm just not in the mood. Quite honestly, I would only be repeating everything I've written over the last 12 months.

Here's some pics of what my year was like. Thank you for stopping by and reading. I look forward to sharing 2010 with you.


So, why would I put up a picture of Valerie Bertinelli on my blog? .... I don't know if it was a lack of training or the hormones from the thyroid or what but I suddenly developed, um, how can I say it without embaressing myself ..... I guess I just did.

One night I'm putting laundry away and Zak walks into my room holding this magazine and says to me, "Mom, did you know you were growing these?" and points right to her chest.

I think Zak is going to be a boob man.



I still can not eat French Onion soup. I miss you French Onion soup. :(



There are certain phone calls we never want to get. The loved one in a car accident, the hubby in a bar fight - bring bail money, or my favorite, your six year old son is dropping the F-bomb in school.



Over spring break I brought the kids to Legoland. They had fun but this was a time I was at the peak of hormone overload and my patience were non-existent.

Can you figure out what's missing from this model of Navy Pier?....

This little boy has know idea just how close he came to being beaten bloody.







Yes, this little green box - or lack of 16 little boxes almost caused me a heart attack on Duathlon Day. Thanks to My Bike of Tinley Park and the Tinley Park Fire Department a complete catastrophe was averted. I hate Wilson rental.

The kids learned to ride 2 wheelers this summer .....

and

got to visit daddy at work.

The family took a trip to Ohio

and

I took a trip to Louisville.

I had to say goodbye to my beautiful friend .

I was blessed to be included in a new life.

I danced and sang like a teenager with my sister at the Bruce Springsteen concert in September ....

and

we relived our teenage years during our summer walks to 7 - 11 for sluperees and twix bars.

What is scarier ..... being 16 and pregnant or 45 and pregnant? Hmmm ......

We'll never know what's scarier- all 4 test came out negative - Grave's disease plays ugly tricks with your hormones.

My mom turned 75 this year - she just doesn't seem that old to me.






We had princess Leah and Snakes Eyes over on October 31st and thanks to our very generous friends Jeff and Barbara, Gracie got her Halloween wish to have decorations in the yard.





We went sledding a lot and and enjoyed Christmas .....

One of the best parts of the year -

I discovered running doesn't completely define who I am.

and

I rediscovered the joy of doing.


Happy New Year. May your 2010 be blessed with good health and happiness. :)

Merry Christmas

Dear Friends and Family -

Please accept my apology for not getting a Christmas card to you this year. Money is tight and about to get tighter with Scott having hip surgery in February. It has been suggested by a dear Minnesota friend to post a picture from Christmas morning. Well, I will but I also thought I would post the one I was going to use for the card this year. I kinda of pride myself on weeding thru all the pics I take throughout the year and send an "in the moment picture" of the kids instead of a posed one. There have been exceptions to this rule, last year Scott's mom made the elf costumes for the kids so I had use it.

So here it is. Along with the saying I would have put on the card. God bless all of you with a healthy, happy 2010.

Love Pam


Merry Christmas
May 2010 be blessed with
uplifting moments of happiness


Love,
Pam and Scott
Zak and Grace

Interesting Running Conversation

So, I'm running with a friend a couple of weeks ago and we start talking about annoying people. And I make the mistake of saying, "I'm not annoying am I? Wait, of course I'm annoying" I say. Just as I'm saying it, I look at my friend and I see him looking back at me with the = geesh, annoying, of course you are, you don't know that by now? ..... who are you kidding?! look on his face :)

Ok, he didn't say any of that but, it was the look. You know, we all know that look. The one we give when we don't think the other person is looking. But every once in a while. The person you are giving the "look" to catches ya. Well, I caught my running buddy.

He denied the "look" and then started talking about something else that annoys him but I know what I saw.

Here's my point. We are all annoying. Some of us more than others but we all have the annoying gene. Those that can tolerate that gene, the most annoying part of us, those are the ones we call our friends.

Thankfully, I have running/cycling friends that somehow tolerate that I get happy and excited when I see someone getting ready to run with us. They ignore how annoying my questions can get and they answer them. They accept that I may laugh at inappropriate times and they let me talk, non-stop about my kids. I could go, but why it could start to get really annoying.

So, thank you training buddies. Thanks for letting me be awkwardly annoying.

Checked Off the Bucket List

I've always wanted to do an Adventure Race. How cool to find your way with a map and compass. So, when Dennis asked if I wanted to do one my answer was a HUGE yes!


Sprint distance, 2 loops around a lake in a kayak (yikes but I know I could manage), 6 miles on a mountain bike (mostly single track) and orienteer your way thru 3.5 miles and 9 check points. UGH, I couldn't wait.


Got to the race site at 7:11 sharp. 7:30 the orienteering meeting would start and I couldn't miss it. Dennis arrived shortly after me. He brought me his old mountain bike since I no longer have brakes or gears on my because it's 20 years old and has never had a tune up.

Made adjustments to the bike, took it for a quick spin around the parking lot. Was asked if I planned on wearing my uggs for the ride by another racer, just laughed and said no. I was starting to think I was definitely a fish out of water here but it was really cold at 7:25 and I knew I had a long day ahead of me, I wasn't about the get cold now.



Orienteering meeting went well. Next, we prepared our gear. Helmet's, check. Compass, check, 1st aid kit, check, uggs off/trail shoes on, check. We were off to the pre-race meeting. Listened to the directions - There were 38 teams, 18 kayaks, the first 18 teams back from finding the 1st check point would kayak, the rest would mountain bike 1st. Then the RD said some more stuff about check point cards and punches but I really wasn't listening. I kept thinking I wanted to be one of the 1st 18 back.


It was time. Very casual start - I think it was a blow horn. We were off. Ran some single track and then found ourselves running through brush and thicket. It was a mad dash and I think we managed our way rather well. So well in fact that we got to the check point and back, we were the 13th team to do so. Oh yeah! We were rock'n it.


Ok, I should have checked my ego at the picnic table right then.



We hopped on our mountain bikes and had to ride a mile up Archer to get to the lake we would paddle on. Speed limit was 55 mph which made me really nervous, the nerves made me ride quicker than I normally do. We actually passed 2 teams on the bike. Got to the lake, dropped the bikes and all our stuff off and found some life jackets. Then a kayak. Crap those things are heavy. Had to carry it probably 500 yards to the lake. Did I tell you how heavy a kayak is?


Feet got wet, really wet getting in. Off we went. We were passed almost immediately after getting in the water by the 2 teams that we passed on the bike. Was feeling no pain our 1st 750 yrds in the water and then .... we started feeling it. We were passed by 2 older gentleman. When I say old, I'm guessing late 50's maybe. Ok, maybe they weren't that much older.


Dennis was in the back, mostly steering. I did the best I could paddling. Honestly, for never kayaking before I think we were handling things just fine. The 3 fisherman at the end of the first loop would not agree with me. 2 of them were screaming at us, which I learned up in Madison in 07, don't scream from the shoreline at people in a boat. You look like an idiot doing it and nothing is ever accomplished.


We switched position for the 2nd loop, I got in the back, Dennis in the front. Managed to get just about every part of me soaking wet. I had a fear of falling in the lake which really wouldn't have mattered because I was soaking wet. I think we got thru the 2nd loop and finished the entire task in under and hour. There was still one more team behind us which made me happy. We weren't in last! Got out of the kayak and prepared to carry it back 500 yrds and the RD asked us for our 1st aid kit. Crap, it's with our bikes. Penalty. We didn't know what it meant we got one and off we went.


I was freezing but managed to get the kayak back to were it belonged. Life jacket back to were it belonged and back on to my bike without turning into a Popsicle. Told Dennis I had to change when we got back to the car.


Competitiveness took over and skipped changing when we got back to the car, just took off my really wet gloves. Got our instructions for the mountain bike portion and off we went. Still had a chance to check my ego but didn't. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. This would be a breeze. 6 miles. No problem. I've been biking a lot lately. I've mountained biked before. I know what to expect. Wee, off we go.


I'm going to keep the next 6 miles as simple as I can, so here it is.


Ride, fall, get up, ride, fall, get up ride. fall get up, walk, get on the bike ride, fall, get up, adjust the seat, ah that's better, ride, fall, get up, ride, fall, get up, walk, ride, fall, hit head, freak out a little cause I heard my neck crack, ooo, wait that actually felt good, ride, the front brake snaps loose, no brake, going down hill, screaming like a little girl. stop myself on a tree. get off bike, no falling this time, Dennis fixes the brake, walk ride ..... you get the picture. Finally reach a parking lot and even surface and pretty much ride the last mile and a half in.

Completely humiliated and deflated we check in 2 hours and some odd minutes after we started our 6 mile journey. (I can share this with you, today, we ran the bike course and did it in an hour 5 - no that's not a typo - 1 hour, 5 minutes or 65 minutes which ever sounds quicker)

Why did I want to do this? What was I doing out here?

We were about to learn what our penalty was for not having our first aid kit. Before starting the orienteering we had to go back to the very 1st checkpoint we found at the start of the race and punch the number 10 on our card.

Unfortunately all that falling didn't deflate my ego and I didn't leave it on the picnic table this time either.

Off we went. No problem.

Um, problem. My legs were killing me from all the falling. I knew I had huge bruises, I could feeling them. Well, I was adding thicket burns while running thru all the brush. Lots of red throbbing thicket burn. Little prickly stickey's were stuck to my spandex, trying to catch a ride on my leg back to the suburbs. We got lost finding the CP and lost trying to find our way back. We evenutally made our way back to the start point after 40 minutes! We had 1 hour 17 minutes to find as many check points as we could. The man handing out the map and directions told us in so many words to keep our searching simple. I could almost hear him thinking that he did want to go out looking for us, he wanted to be home by 4 p.m.

We did. We kept it as simple as possible. We did get lost at first and I was rather surprised to see lots of pages from girlie magazines, beer bottles and a picnic table in the middle of a very wooded area. Really, come on, whatever happened to hiding them under the mattress.

We took our time and found our way and managed to find our 1st check point in about 30 minutes. I was jumping up and down like a little kids on Christmas. It was so cool. Found the next one in about 20 minutes. Again, more jumping up and down. In all honesty, Dennis led the way. In just a short amount of time he got really good at reading the map and figuring out where we were. We had just about 25 minutes to go about a mile and change to get to the next CP. We decided to go for it. I'm so glad we did. We found it and got back with about 9 minutes to spare.

Now the object of this adventure race was of course to find all 9 check points but if you didn't have all of them you had to be back by 2 p.m. If you weren't a check point would be deducted for every minute you were late. So we finished the race with 3 CP's and on penalty.

Pretty good for first timers. I highly recommend this race, the Fat Otter Fall Sprint to anyone wanting to try an Adventure race. It's well supported, close to home and just a lot of fun. And did I mention they have great food after the race?

You have know that I'm hell bent on getting on that mountain bike and riding whenever I can. I believe we would have rocked this race if my mountain biking wasn't so bad. Oh, I've also emailed my friend Sheila who is a great kayaker and got some tips on improving the kayaking as well. Can't wait to try it again. And yes, Dennis actually said he would another one with me. :)